


Don't You Know I Care?

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon, Drama, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-28
Updated: 2005-09-25
Packaged: 2018-12-27 09:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin's trip to Pittsburgh become infinitely more confusing. Follows On Returning Home and Face to Face





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

It was clear to Justin that someone out there hated him, really,   
really hated him. That was the only explanation he could come up with   
for how his normally orderly and happy life had turned into one   
nightmare after another. He couldn't think of anything particularly   
bad that he had done to deserve all this, but here he was, Justin   
couldn't get over the shock of seeing his ex- lover, Aidan, standing   
before him, so he remained frozen in the doorway.

"Darling," Aidan said, "be a gentleman and invite me in."

"What are you doing here?" Justin found his voice at last.

"I couldn't possibly miss your big show." Seeing that Justin wasn't   
about to ask him in, Aidan pushed past the startled man. "Justin   
Taylor's grand return home. It's absolutely fabulous. I could use a   
drink. Is there anything here?"

"No, and don't be obtuse with me. What are you doing here? In case   
you forgot, we broke up a month ago."

"I didn't forget my love."

"And don't call me that." Justin was becoming highly irritated.

"Justin, my love, I'm going to call you that, and any other number of   
charming epitaphs, so it would be easier if you don't interrupt. As I   
said before, we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Ah, but there is. There is a lot to talk about. I want you. . . no   
that's not quite right, I need you back."

"Um, let me recap what happened for you." said Justin "I loved you, I   
trusted you, and after five years together, you cheated on me."

"I did, and I'm truly sorry about that. But my love, you must be   
honest. You cheated on me too." Aidan said calmly.

"Excuse me?" Justin was shocked. "I never cheated on you. You were   
the one fucking some random guy in our bed. I was always faithful."

"Faithful in body." Aidan corrected. Justin went numb, and Aidan took   
the opportunity to slip his arms around Justin's waist. "You were   
never really faithful in mind. Isn't that true my love?"

"I. . . I don't know what you're talking about." stammered Justin as   
he pulled away.

"Really? I thought it was perfectly clear. Your definition of   
faithful is a bit different from mine. I know you were always pining   
after that Brian." Aidan said simply. "I know that there were nights  
when you lay in my arms, in our bed as you're so fond of calling it,   
and imagined it was him holding you."

"I told you all about Brian in the beginning." Justin said, feeling   
defensive. "I told you that I still cared about him, but when we   
became a couple, I promised myself that I'd give up that dream of us   
getting back together, which I did. There were times when I wanted to   
go find him, but I   
didn't because I loved you and didn't want to hurt you like that."

"The noble sufferer. You're absolutely adorable in that role." Aidan   
mocked.

"Don't treat me like a child." replied Justin, as tears dimmed the   
sparkle of his eyes. He didn't know how he had suddenly become the   
guilty party, and he didn't like it one bit.

"I'm sorry my love." said Aidan, suddenly tender.

He reached out to caress Justin's cheek. "I want you to be happy, and   
you would never be happy with him, despite the foolish dreams you   
still harbor. Now let's put all this silliness behind us. Please give   
me another chance to make you happy."

"I don't know if I can."

"Why not? Did the estimidable Mr. Kinney suddenly express his desire   
to be your one and only?"

"Don't be ridiculous Aidan."

"Then what is stopping you?"

"I don't know if I can trust you after what happened."

"But you gave Brian more chances." said Aidan "Don't I deserve the   
same?"

"That was different. Brian never made any promises."

"But he didn't love you the way I do. That should count for   
something."

"I don't know. I need. . . I need time to sort everything out. It's   
all happening so fast."

"Will you please just think about it? We had five beautiful years   
together. You can't just throw that away."

"I'll think about it. Just don't rush me."

"All right my love. I'd like more, but I'll take what I can get.   
Since I've come all this way, at least allow me to escort you to your   
opening."

"If I said no would you even listen?" Justin asked with the smallest   
hint of a smile."

"It's not very likely."

"Then I guess it's easier to just let you come."

Aidan took a small step forward, closing the gap between Justin and   
himself. He leaned in to give Justin a long slow kiss that left the   
poor man more confused than ever. Justin's head was so fuzzy that he   
barely noticed when Aidan started to maneuver him towards the bed. No   
one could kiss like Aidan, except Brian. The thought of Brian brought   
Justin back to the present and he   
wriggled out of Aidan's embrace. 

"Come on," he said, as he moved quickly to the door. "We need to go   
now or I'll be late." Aidan took a moment to settle himself before   
following Justin. "Oh, since you might be meeting some of my old   
friends, I think there's something you should know about."

~*~*~*~*

"It is so good to see you." cried Emmett as he threw his arms around   
Justin.

"It's good to see you to Em."

Let me take a look at you baby." Emmett said and held Justin at arms   
length. "Je-sus! You were always such a gorgeous kid, but now you're   
to die for. I'd fuck you if I didn't think that Brian would beat the   
shit out of me."

"I doubt that Brian would care." Justin replied with a bit of   
bitterness. Emmett sighed.

"Poor baby. When is he ever going to stop hurting you? Lindsay told   
me what happened, and if you ask me, Brian got what he deserved."

"Em, do you mind if we talk about something else? I need time to   
process what happened."

"Sure thing sweetie. Why don't you tell me who that delightfully   
handsome and charming gentleman is. I saw the two of you come in   
together, and he looks positively smitten with you." Emmett was   
pointing at Aidan.

"That is my sort-of-ex-boyfriend."

"Sort-of-ex? Sounds complicated. Well don't leave me hanging. I need   
the whole scoop."

"In a nutshell, we were together for five years and then he cheated   
on me, so we broke up, but now he wants to get back together. . ."

"But you don't want to because there's still a part of you that wants   
to be with Brian." Emmett finished for him.

"Yes. . . no. . .I don't know." Justin said miserably.

"I'm sorry baby."

"I mean, everything was going along so well, and all of a sudden I   
don't know what the hell I'm doing. Why does life have to be this   
complicated?"

"I don't know hon, but in my advanced age I've learned a few things.   
You never know what will happen next."

"Well I've learned a few things too."

"Like what?"

"Life's a bitch, and then you die."

"Well at least your optimistic."

"Oh good, here's the wine. I need some right about now." Justin   
grabbed a glass from a passing tray as he tried to not so subtly   
change the subject.

"Look Justin, things aren't quite the way you think. Brian isn't   
quite the way you think. A lot has changed in the last fifteen years."

"Em, please, I can't deal with this tonight. I've got too much else I   
need to focus on."

"Tell you what, let's make a deal. Promise me that before you leave   
we can get together so I can fill you in, and I'll drop the subject   
for now."

"Fine. We can meet for coffee or something."

"Good. Now, let me fill you in on all the Pittsburgh gossip. Did you   
hear that Ben died?"

"Yeah. I heard that at Woody's last night."

"You were at Woody's? Wait a minute, don't tell me it was you who   
bought us drinks last night. Why didn't you come over and say hello?"

"I didn't know if you would remember me."

"I could never forget you."

"Thanks Emmett."

"Well, anyway, Michael took his death pretty hard, understandably,   
but I think that he has found someone to fill the void."

"Who?"

"They've been sneaking around with each other and trying to hide the   
whole thing, but I'm on to them."

"Jesus Em, just tell me who."

"Ted!" Emmett said with a flourish.

"No way."

"I shit you not. You know Ted always had a thing for Michael, and   
after Ben died they started spending more and more time together."

"It's so weird to think of them as a couple."

"I know, but it's kind of sweet. Oh, I wanted to ask you, what do you   
think of Gus?"

"I don't even know what to think. Before I knew who he really was I   
thought he was a sweet kid, but after everything came out he was   
seriously getting on my nerves. It's hard for me to believe that he's   
the same little boy I used to babysit."

"He can be a handful at times, but he's generally a sweetie like you   
said. He and I have gotten very close in the last year or so."

"How close?" Justin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh stop it you. You know I didn't mean it like that. I'm his Auntie   
Em, and I've become his confidant. That boy is going to break quite a   
few hearts in his life. He's got his dad's looks, Lindsay's energy,   
Melanie's balls, and your sweetness?"

"My sweetness?"

"When they were raising him, they hoped that he would grow up to be   
like you."

"What do you mean?"

"Justin, hon, you've had to put up with a lot of shit in your life,   
more than most people, but despite that you remained strong and brave   
and you never lost faith."

"Thanks."

"It's true. Gus hasn't had to deal with nearly the same crap you   
have, but he's got your will. You know, I won fifty buck the day he   
came out."

"You had a bet going?"

"For years. Ted bet against me, but I think that it was just optimism   
on his part. He didn't think that the world, let alone Pittsburgh   
could handle another Brian Kinney."

"Yeah, but if he was straight, then between the two they would have 

captured almost the entire population of this place."

"That's what I said, and besides the boy has Brian's genes. Brian   
said that after being raised by two dykes, his kid would probably   
want to run as far away from pussy as he possibly could." Both men   
laughed at that.

During Justin's conversation with Emmett, Aidan had been circulating   
throughout the room, but then he came over to where Justin was   
standing and put an arm around his waist in a slightly possessive   
manner.

"Would you like a glass of wine, love?"

"No thanks, I'm fine. Aidan, I want to introduce you to my old friend   
Emmett."

"Emmett, it's a pleasure to meet you at last." Aidan said as he   
extended his hand. "Justin has told me so much about you."

"Only nice things I hope." Emmett replied as he checked out the   
Irishman. Justin could see from the look in his eyes that he approved.

"The nicest."

"You two make such an adorable couple." Emmett said as he blushed   
slightly.

"And I hope to keep it that way." Aidan replied with a penetrating   
glance at Justin. "Come love, you simply must introduce me to all of   
your other friends."

For the rest of the evening, Aidan was the perfect gentleman. He   
charmed all of Justin's friends completely. Justin was rather amused   
by it all. He was acting nothing like the maddeningly irritating   
person he had been back at the hotel. At one point Debbie whispered   
in his ear that she didn't know what they had broken up over, but if   
Justin had any sense he would fix things between them. Watching   
Aidan, Justin couldn't help but remember all the things he had loved   
about the man. but in the back of is mind he was still looking out   
for Brian. Though he knew it wouldn't happen, he wished Brian would   
come to the opening. After a while he gave up on that thought, and   
tried to concentrate on the party around him.

Eventually, it was closing time, and Justin was incredibly grateful.   
He had never had such a long day in all of his life. He said goodbye   
to his friends and promised to call them the next day, then returned   
to his hotel accompanied by Aidan.

"Let's order a bottle of champagne to celebrate the success of your   
opening." Aidan suggested, removing his jacket.

"I'm pretty tired. I'd rather just go to bed."

”That's an even better idea." Aidan came up to Justin and nuzzled his   
ear. 

When Justin turned his head Aidan captured his lips in an intense   
kiss. Once again he felt light headed. Almost before he could realize   
what was happening, Aidan had him on the bed and was disrobing him.   
With all hopes of a reconciliation with Brian looking dim at best,   
Justin didn't try to stop him. He closed his eyes and let Aidan   
remove his clothing. He felt hands massaging his body, releasing all   
the tension. It felt good to be touched again. It felt good to be   
wanted by someone. When he closed his eyes, he could feel like   
everything was as it should be. He could feel like he didn't have so   
many problems to deal with. With his eyes closed, he could pretend   
that it was. . .

"Let's go somewhere on vacation." Aidan said, taking Justin out of   
his dream like state.

"What?"

"Let's find some tropical island where we can lie on the beach all   
day and fuck all night."

"I haven't even decided if I want us to get back together yet, so   
don't get ahead of yourself."

"You know we will."

"What makes you so sure of yourself?" Justin was annoyed by Aidan's   
confidence.

"You can't help yourself. You need me."

"Excuse me, but I managed to take care of myself just fine for ten   
years before I met you." Justin pushed Aidan off him and stood up.

"You'll come back to me."

"I am not some pet or fuck toy who comes when you call."

"Stop being so stubborn."

"I am still very angry about what you did. I can't just forget that."

"Right, as always I'm the villain. Because what I did was so much   
worse than sleeping with the eighteen year old son of my former   
lover."

"That's not fair, and you know it. I didn't know who he was."

"Though I can see why you were interested in him. He has a great   
ass." Aidan taunted.

"We were not together at the time, so you have no right to judge me."

"Justin, come to bed. You need some sleep. In the morning you'll feel   
better and you'll see how ridiculous you're being." Justin's jaw   
dropped at that remark. He didn't even know how to begin to respond   
to that. Then something in Justin's brain clicked, and he couldn't  
help put laugh to himself. "What's so funny?"

"I can't believe I never realize how manipulative you are."

"There's no need for petty insults. Your just overtired, so I won't   
take it personally."

"No, I'm serious. You're a complete pompous ass."

"All right, now you're just being mean."

"I can't believe I convinced myself I was in love with you. Maybe I   
was, but I am totally over you now."

"Justin, you're not making any sense."

"It all makes perfect sense. I had this whole romantic ideal, and   
when you came along you were so much of what I wanted that I let   
myself believe that was true love. But it was all an illusion. I   
don't love you. If fact, if I had to live with you any longer, I'd   
probably strangle you." Justin knew that he should feel bad that it   
was truly all over, but he couldn't help but keep a sill y grin on   
his face. At last he was free. At last he could see the truth. He   
pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. "I'm going for a walk,   
and when I come back I don't want you to be here. I don't want to see   
you again. You irritate the hell out of me. Have a nice life." he   
said as he walked out the door.

~*~*~*~*

After leaving an extremely stunned Aidan in the hotel room, Justin   
exited the hotel. He decided to take a walk to give his ex a chance   
to leave, and to give himself some time to clear his head. Everything   
had come about in a rather abrupt and surprising manner, but Justin   
couldn't help but feel happy. He knew that he should be broken up   
about it, or at the very least sad that five years together had ended   
so quickly, but he couldn't make himself care. Any sentiment Justin   
may have had for the man disappeared and all he could feel was the   
giddy euphoria of freedom.

Justin wasn't paying attention to where he was going, and when he did   
finally stop, he found himself in a part of town that he didn't   
recognize. This wasn't the greatest discovery for Justin, but given   
some of the things he had been through in the last few days, it was   
far from the worst. Justin saw a small grocery store across the   
street, and decided to go there and ask for directions. His head was   
still slightly in the clouds as he entered the store, and he ended up   
walking right in to a man who was leaving.

"You should pay more attention to where you're going." Said a   
familiar mocking voice.

"Brian, what are you doing here?" Justin asked, not oblivious to the   
fact that the Taylor curse was at it again.

"I'm having the time of my life. Either that, or I'm buying some   
scotch." Brian said raising the bag with his purchase.

"But we're no where near the loft."

"Observant as always I see. But I don't live at the loft anymore."

"You don't?"

"Someone seems to have difficult grasping things tonight."

"I'm just surprised that's all."

"Did you really think I was going to keep everything the way it was   
in case you came back some day?"

"No, of course not." Justin said, though in a way it was true.   
Despite the problems they had faced, Justin had a sort of nostalgia   
for those years and all the good memories he had from the loft. Part   
of him was unwilling to let go of the picture that had remained in   
his head all those years. Brian was intrinsically linked with the   
loft. To take him away from the loft would be like taking a fish out   
of water.

"A little out of you're way aren't you Sonny Boy?"

"Um, I just went out for a walk, and I wasn't paying attention to how   
far I was going."

"Don't you think the beau will be distracted with worry over your   
whereabouts?"

"I doubt it." Justin replied "Since we're not together anymore."

"Oh really? That wasn't the impression everyone had at your opening   
this evening. From what my spies tell me you were going for the prize   
of the greatest love story ever."

"Aidan tends to dramatize things, and I hardly see why you would   
care."

"I don't Sonny Boy. Don't flatter yourself, but I am cursed with   
acquaintances who feel the need to fill me in one every little   
detail."

"It was good to see you again Brian, but I think I'm going to go now."

"Go where?"

"Back to my hotel."

"But I'm willing to bet that you don't know how to get there."

"How very perceptive of you. That's why I came in here. To get   
directions."

"That's not necessary. I'll give you a ride." Brian said. "But first,   
come have a drink with me. It'll give you a chance to see my place."

Justin hesitated a moment before accepting Brian's offer. He knew   
from experience that he was getting himself into a situation that   
could turn disastrous. Still, he wanted to go. He wanted to be close   
to Brian again, if only for a short time. He wanted to gain some   
insight into the mysterious man who had been his lover.

Brian's apartment lived up to Justin's expectations of what Brian   
would choose. It was sleek and stylish, an interior designer's dream.   
Brian may have moved to a larger location, but his basic tastes in   
design remained unchanged for the most part. There were a few signs   
of change in the décor, it contained more color than the loft had,   
and Justin sensed that this was most likely due to Gus' influence.

"Take a seat." Said Brian, ever the good host. "What would you like   
to drink?"

"Whatever you're having is fine." Justin replied. Brian held up a   
bottle of Jim Beam. At least some things never changed.

"Put on some music if you like."

"What do you have in the stereo right now?"

"Some horrible c.d. that Gus listens to all the time. It's Ethan   
Gold's latest."

"Ugh. He was at PIFA at the same time I was. The guy had the biggest   
ego, and a problem with showering. Why does Gus listen to him?"

"He thinks he's hot." Brian said, rolling his eyes.

"I would think that your son would have better taste in men." Justin   
walked over to the stereo and picked up the offensive c.d.

"I do my best, but sometimes he just won't listen."

"Oops." Justin said as he broke the disc in half.

"Won't Gus be sad when he finds out the cleaning lady accidentally   
broke his c.d." Brian said with a laugh.

"Oh, you have my blessing to tell Gus that I'm the one who broke it."

"So, now that you and the Irishman are finished, are you nursing a   
broken heart?" asked Brian as he handed Justin his drink, completely   
breaking the lighthearted moment.

"Hardly." Justin replied. "We broke up a while ago."

"For a couple who have split, you two were awfully cozy from what I   
hear."

"Yeah well you don't know what you're talking about. This afternoon,   
just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, he arrived out of   
the blue and proceeded to force his way back into my life. But now   
he's gone and I never want to see him ever again."

"And what of your great romance? I thought you loved him."

"I did, at one time, but I don't anymore."

"What changed?"

"Sometimes love isn't enough."

"That's because it isn't real."

"Yes it is."

"No. Love is just something straight people. . ."

". . . tell themselves their in to get laid. I know, I've heard it   
all before, but you're wrong."

"So what is love?"

"Love is opening yourself up to someone else completely. Giving them   
all the tools and ammunition they need to hurt you, and trusting that   
they won't."

"But they always do."

"Sometimes. But at least you took the risk."

"What did he do to break your trust?"

"He cheated on me. He knew from the start that I needed someone who   
would be faithful, and he couldn't do that for me."

"You ask for a lot."

"Only what I really need."

"Why was monogamy so important to you? Why do you care if he gets his   
rocks off with some other guy on the side, as long as that's all it   
is?"

"Because that's not all there is to it. By finding someone else on   
the side he was saying that I wasn't enough. Just like I wasn't   
enough for you."

"Christ Justin! Are you really going to drag that up now? It's been   
it's been fifteen years." Brian said in a huff.

"Yes Brian. I should have done this then, and since we're here we   
should get it all out in the open. For fifteen years I've had   
questions without answers, questions that only you can answer."

"I'm not interested in joining your little therapy session. Why don't   
you just go and find some pretty little boy to fuck. I think Gus is   
free if you want me to call him for you." Brian said in an attempt to   
goad Justin and switch topics.

"That's not fair Brian, and you know it." Justin said. "You know I   
had no idea who he was, and I never would have taken him back to the   
hotel if I had."

"It wasn't you Justin." Brian said suddenly. 

"What are you talking about?"

"It wasn't that you weren't enough for me. I just wasn't ready for   
everything. I still had a lot of growing up to do."

"And did you grow up?"

"I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to have a committed   
relationship, if that's what you mean." Said Brian, shuttering only   
slightly at the dreaded "R" word. "But I've missed you."

"I'm surprised that you even remembered me ten minutes after I was   
gone." Justin replied sharply. The ancient sting of their parting was   
as strong as ever.

"Give me more credit than that Justin. Even when I never said it, I   
always. . . I always cared about you. You must have known that."

"Then why did you let me leave?"

"Because I knew I was giving you the chance to be happy. You wouldn't   
have been happy with me."

"You don't know that Brian. You wouldn't give us the chance."

"I knew it. I had to let you go. I knew you might not see it, but it   
was the best thing I could do for you."

"I was so miserable at first. I wanted to come home so badly."

"But you didn't." Brian pointed out.

"Because I was proud and stubborn. And because I knew there would be   
no second chances. I was the one who decided to leave so I couldn't   
expect you to take me back."

"But it all worked for the best, at least for a while. You found a   
nice little beau who would make your heart beat wildly, even if it   
didn't last."

"How do you know so much about Aidan? It's more than what anyone told   
you this evening. You mentioned him this morning at Lindsay's."

"That's because I'd seen him before."

"When?"

"About five years ago. I was in New York on business and I wanted to   
come see you, to see if maybe . . . well I don't know what I wanted   
to happen, but I wanted to see you."

"I never saw you."

"I know. I made sure of that. I passed by your gallery, but you   
weren't in, so I went for a walk, and that's when I saw you. You were   
with him, just coming out of a coffee shop and you looked so happy.   
You were giving him that smile you used to save only for me. When I   
saw that I knew I couldn't go up to you. I couldn't take that away   
from you."

"I wish I'd known that."

"Would it have mattered?"

"I don't know. I just would have liked to know."

"If I'd asked you to come back then, would you have?"

"Probably not." Justin admitted.

"See. It was always at the wrong time Justin."

"And will there ever be a right time?"

"I don't know. We've built lives for ourselves. We can't keep looking   
back, wondering what if."

"I should go." Justin said. Brian's confession had shocked him   
deeply, and he needed time to process everything. Added to that was   
the fact that Brian seemed to think that there was no way they could   
ever be together.

"You should go, or you want to go?"

"I should go. I'm meeting Emmett in the morning. Then I need to get   
back to New York."

"I'll give you a ride." Brian offered.

"Thanks."

The ride back to Justin's hotel was made in silence. There was so   
much left to say and yet no time to say it. Justin knew that when he   
had come back to Pittsburgh a few days earlier there had been a   
glimmer of hope in his mind that somehow he and Brian would be able   
to reconcile, that somehow they would rekindle the love the Justin   
knew was there. They had a connection that couldn't be stopped   
despite time and distance, but Brian had slammed the door on that   
dream.

"Thanks for the ride." Justin said as they pulled up to the hotel."

"No problem." Brian replied.

"Later." Justin said softly, not wanting to say goodbye. He got out   
of the car and shut the door.

"Later."


	2. Don't You Know I Care?

It was a very hung over Justin who met with Emmett in the hotel  
restaurant the next morning.

"Christ!" Emmett exclaimed, and Justin winced as his headache  
throbbed. "What the hell did you do to yourself last night? I know  
you deserved to celebrate a fabulous opening, but you must remember  
moderation."

"Says the man who once wore a hot pink unitard to the gym." Grumbled  
Justin. Emmett didn't seem the least bit fazed.

"It accentuated my ass marvelously."

Justin had to smile at that. His friend might be a bit older, but he  
was still the same Emmett. He flagged down the waited and ordered  
himself a large, strong cup of coffee and some dry toast. He was  
pretty sure he wouldn't be able to handle anything else. Emmett  
waited patiently until the waiter moved away before pressing Justin  
for more information.

"Ok, now it's time to tell me what you did last night to incur the  
wrath of the hangover fairy."

"I drank the mini bar."

"With Aiden?"

"No, by myself. Aiden and I broke up again. I mean I kicked him out.  
I guess you cant break up if you weren't together."

"So he's officially single, eh? Mind giving me his number?"

"Emmett!" Justin was shocked.

"Oh relax, I'm only joking. I'm just sorry it didn't work out baby.  
You looked so good together and you deserve someone fabulous after  
all the shit you've been through."

"Thank Em, but things really weren't quite how they looked. I think  
this had been coming for a long time, even before he cheated. He's a  
stubborn, self centered asshole who doesn't know how to keep his dick  
in his pants." Sensing that this might leave him open to comments  
from his breakfast companion he quickly added "And don't tell say I  
always seem to pick men who fit that description."

"I wasn't going to." Said Emmett innocently, sipping his coffee. "So  
you got rid of Aiden and you drank the mini bar. Why do I feel like  
there's a part of the story you're not telling me?"

"You mean the part where I ran into Brian and got my heart stomped on  
yet again?"

"Not how I was going to put it, but essentially."

"You know Emmett, you seem to know a lot about what's going on even  
though I've hardly told you anything." Justin said, giving his friend  
a piercing look. Emmett just gave a noncommittal shrug.

"If you're suggesting that I've already talked to Brian this morning  
and heard about your little reunion, you're wrong. that's the first  
I've heard of it. But I can't say I'm particularly surprised. I knew  
the moment I saw you this morning that somehow, Brian was involved in  
your less than pristine appearance."

"That obvious am I?"

"In the beginning there was Brian and Justin. I figured out a long  
time ago that the story was never really over. He was your first, and  
that creates a certain connection. You were his first too." Justin  
snorted at that, but Emmett ignored him. "I know Brian better than  
you'd think. Probably even better than the people who claim to be  
closest to him and I know that he never forgot about you. But enough  
about what I know, or don't know, or suspect. Just tell me what  
happened last night."

"After Aiden and I did whatever the hell it was we did, I went out  
for a walk. We bumped into each other and he offered me a ride since  
I'd gotten a little turned around, but first I went to his place for  
a drink and . . . well I don't know what to say. He doesn't love me.  
But then again, wasn't that always the problem."

"You know, after all these years I thought you would have figured it  
out."

"I think I always knew. I mean, I know he cared to whatever extent he  
can or will, but it wasn't going to go further than that."

"I meant I thought you would have figured out that he does love you."

"He never said it."

"So?"

"Emmett, please don't tell me you've fallen for his no love motto."

"Of course not baby, you know I'm a hopeless romantic, but let me put  
it this way. Did Aiden tell you he loved you?"

"All the time."

"And did you believe him?"

"Until he gave me reason not to. What's your point?"

"Bear with me a moment. Did Brian ever say he loved you?"

"You know he didn't."

"But did he ever do anything to suggest that he did?"

"Em . . ."

"Answer the question."

"Yes." Justin said softly, then reluctantly added "All the time. But  
it wasn't enough. There were times when he would do something that  
completely took my breath away, but the next moment he'd turn around  
and completely shred me. Christ, I was practically just a kid. How  
was I supposed to deal with all that?"

"I'm not blaming you hon. I wouldn't have stayed either. Hell, you  
stayed longer than any of us would have imagined. But that's not the  
point. Maybe Brian is right, maybe we shouldn't be so casual about  
the word love. Aiden proved that saying it is the easy part, but  
living it every day of your life is harder and that's what really  
matters."

"You're not telling me everything." Justin said with a sigh "There's  
something you know about Brian that you're not telling me."

"A few years after you left, before we lost touch, you were asked to  
participate in some show in New York and the paper here did a little  
feature about you, touting you as the next great artist out of  
Pittsburgh. Remember this?" Justin nodded and Emmett continued. "The  
article came out on a Sunday, so of course we all gathered at the  
diner for brunch and we were reading it to each other. We were so  
proud of you. Brian was there too. He wasn't talking to anyone. He  
was acting like he wasn't listening, but I know he was. At one point  
I caught his eye and there was something there I'd never seen before.  
There was this ache. It almost broke my heart to see it. Of course as  
soon as he realized I'd caught him he hid behind his paper, and I  
didn't say anything."

"I don't want to hear this Em. I feel like shit enough as is." Justin  
said.

"Tough luck toots. You asked the question, and I told you last night  
that Brian has changed, so just listen up. Anyway, as I was saying,  
I'd seem something in his eyes that bothered me. So that night I felt  
like I should go over to the loft, call it fairy godmother intuition,  
and as I expected, Brian was not good. He was just as drunk as I  
imagine you were last night. A bottle of Beam was swinging in his  
hand. He started ranting to me, it wasn't very coherent. He was  
saying that we should be proud of our Sunshine, how he always knew  
you would be a fucking big success. He'd finished off the bottle by  
that point and he hurled it at the windows so hard I thought they  
would break. Then he just sat down and started to cry harden that I  
though Brian Kinney ever could. And he kept saying `What have I  
done?' I ended up putting him to bed and I cleaned up the mess and I  
stayed on the couch that night in case he started freaking out again.  
We didn't talk about it the next morning, but I could tell he was  
different after that.

"Gus told me . . ." Justin swallowed hard, the image of Brian as  
Emmett has described him all too clear in his head. "Gus told me that  
Brian doesn't go out much anymore. When did that start?"

"I guess it was right after that incident. He threw himself into his  
work even harder than before, and started spending more time with  
Gus."

"And does he still f . . ." Justin couldn't finish the question.

"He's still Brian, he hasn't given it up completely. But it's gone  
way down and I think he still keeps it up out of habit. I'd guess he  
picks someone up once, maybe twice a month, I'll admit he's aged  
well. But he's very discreet about it."

"I don't know why I came back." Justin said after a long pause.

"Maybe because you knew you couldn't stay away forever."

"Maybe, but everything still feels so raw. It's hard."

"I know it is. That's why you need to fight that much harder for what  
you want."

"I don't know if I have the energy to fight anymore."

"Baby, if you don't, then you're not the man I though you were."  
Justin just looked out the window of the restaurant. The sky was  
overcast and ominous.

"I hope it doesn't rain." He said at last "I just want to get out of  
here."

~~~

Of course it stormed instead. Through a combination of weather,  
engine trouble and, Justin suspected, karma, his original mid  
afternoon flight was cancelled. Justin was able to rebook his ticket  
for a ten o'clock flight that night. Once that was taken care of, he  
retreated to his room where he tried to lie still and not think too  
carefully about what Emmett had said. His quiet time was interrupted  
by Debbie who had figured out that he wasn't going to make it out as  
scheduled and demanded his presence at a family dinner. Justin  
stopped trying to come up with excuses why he couldn't when Debbie  
threatened to come over to his hotel and drag him out by the balls.  
He knew she wasn't kidding.

All in all, the evening was considerably less awkward than it could  
have been. As expected, Brian was not in attendance, so at least  
Justin didn't have to worry about that distraction. It wasn't until  
he was back with them until Justin realized how much he missed this  
crazy pseudo family of his. He promised them he wouldn't let them  
lose touch again, though he decided that they'd have to come visit  
him. He figured he'd need at least another fifteen years before he  
would come back to Pittsburgh again. At one point towards the end of  
the evening Gus cornered Justin for a private chat.

"I um, I'm sorry for the other night. I know I was kind of a . . ."

"Pain in the ass?" Justin suggested with a smile. Gus laughed.

"Yeah."

"And I'm sorry I freaked out on you. It was just a little  
overwhelming you know? Definitely not how I envisioned my trip."

"I understand, and I want you to know I wish it had worked out  
between you and my dad."

"Me too Gus."

By the way, I was doing a little snooping around for pictures today  
to kind of fill in the blanks from everything you guys told me  
yesterday, and I found this. When was this taken?" Gus handed Justin  
a photo showing the two men with a toddler aged Gus playing in Mel  
and Lind's back yard.

"This was about six months before I moved. I remember this day  
perfectly. It was really hot, and your dad and I took you to the  
playground and you got really dirty playing in the sand, and then we  
took you for ice cream which you managed to get everywhere as well."

"I'm sure Dad loved that. I'm surprised he let me in the car after  
that."

"Well, we had walked so it didn't matter to him. But Mel was pissed  
when we got back that he was going to have you track all that mess  
into the house. So we got out the hose to clean you up a bit, but  
Brian thought it would be a good idea to turn it on Melanie first. We  
had a huge water fight, cause you know your mother wasn't about to  
let Brian get away dry after that. Lindsay took that picture just  
before we got her too. It was one of the happiest days we ever spent  
together." Justin smiled to himself at the memory of that afternoon  
and the lazy grin Brian had given to him as they lay in the grass  
afterwards.

"Sounds like fun." Gus said, breaking Justin from his reverie.

"It was. Do you mind if I keep this?"

"Go ahead."

"Thanks Gus."

"Thank you too, for showing me a piece of Dad I didn't know before."

~~~

Finally it was time to go. Justin said his goodbyes and went to the  
car that was waiting for him. The airport was pretty empty, and time  
seemed to pass very slowly. As Justin passed through security, he  
remembered the last time he had done that and wished that this time  
it would be different, that this time Brian would call him back. But  
of course that didn't happen. Brian wasn't even at the airport this  
time, Justin reminded himself.

He was very thankful when his flight was called at last. He settled  
into his seat by the window and pulled out the picture that Gus had  
given him. It really was one of his favorite moments ever, not just  
with Brian. Better than the day he'd landed in Florence the first  
time. Even better than the day his gallery had opened. Justin's  
stomach started doing flip-flops and his heart started racing. He  
closed his eyes and leaned his head against the window. What was he  
doing? How could he walk away again? The flight attendants were  
asking everyone to take their seats so they could push back. Was it  
too late to get off? Justin could feel himself start to  
hyperventilate. He was going to go crazy. He could almost swear he  
could smell Brian's cologne. He squeezed his eyes tighter to push  
back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Allergies again Sunshine? A voice said softly in his ear. Justin's  
head shot up and as he looked into the plane's window he saw two very  
familiar hazel eyes staring back at him.


	3. Don't You Know I Care?

It was March and Justin was very busy preparing for the opening of his latest show at the gallery. It opened in two days and there was still so much to do that he was starting to get a little bit frantic.

“Mr. Taylor,” one of his employees said, “some of the paintings have just been delivered from the framers. Where would you like them?”

“Is my personal one in that batch?” asked Justin.

“Yes sir.”

“Ok, I’ll take care of that one, the rest you can give to Tom to handle.”

Justin went off to collect the painting he had been waiting for. This one was special and he wasn’t going to trust it to just anyone. He found an empty table amid the hubbub and carefully set the large package down and pulled off the paper covering it. The framer had done a very good job. The painting was perfect, just as Justin had envisioned it. He smiled to himself as he remembered all the details of the night that had inspired its creation.

~~~ On an airplane two years earlier ~~~

Even with Brian’s head mere inches from his own, Justin was afraid to turn around, afraid that if he did he would find that he’d gone completely round the bend and that Brian wasn’t sitting next to him after all. There were so many reasons why this couldn’t be possible, and yet here he was. Justin held his breath as he contemplated his next move.

“Justin,” Brian purred “you’re going to have to turn around eventually.

“I can’t, this has to be some figment of my imagination. You can’t be real.”

“I’m as real as they come Sunshine.” Brian replied. Very slowly Justin turned around at last. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ve come to collect something, a couple things actually that were taken from me.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, for starters, I want my picture from our water fight back. I know my son has been snooping through my things and gave it to you. I also hear you’ve been telling stories that ruin my hard ass reputation” Justin reluctantly handed over the photograph that was still in his hand, not sure how to read Brian’s demeanor.

“You said there were two things. What’s the second?”

“You Sunshine.”

“What about everything you said about us having separate lives and all?”

“Fuck it Justin. I’ve spent the last fifteen years trying to forget you, but it hasn’t worked. I still remember that day just as well as you do.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm hmm. I remember how hot you looked with your white tee-shirt clinging to you.”

“You would remember that.” Justin said, smiling indulgently. Brian ignored the interruption.

“I remember the way your skin was cool to the touch. I remember how we inched closer and closer to each other as we lay in the grass, and I remember kissing you.” Brian was leaning forward and his lips brushed against Justin’s. Without even thinking about it, Justin parted his lips to give Brian better access. “Just like that.”

He didn’t know how or when it had happened, but he realized that he was squeezing Brian’s hand tightly, their fingers intertwined.

“I was surprised you didn’t start fucking me right there.”

“So was I, but I am capable of restraint at times, and as I recall we more than made up for it that night.”

“I see your memory is still flawless.” Justin replied and they shared a grin before becoming serious again. “What changed Brian? Last night I was sure there was no hope for us.”

“Nothing changed. I feel the same way today as I did yesterday as I have for the last fifteen years. But seeing you again all of a sudden freaked me out, especially when I thought that other guy was still in the picture. So I panicked, but then I realized there was no time for bullshit, that I had to tell you at last. I love you Justin.”

“I love you too. I never stopped.” They leaned forward to share another kiss. “So when did you figure this all out?”

“The second I drove away last night.”

“You know, you could have told me a little sooner instead of stringing me along until the last moment.”

“And miss an opportunity to make a grand gesture? Come on Sunshine, you know me better than that. I’m an ad-man, I can’t do anything half-assed. Besides, I couldn’t deny you your opportunity to have a spectacular drama princess moment.”

“You’ve been talking to Emmett I see.”

“He always has the best gossip. I also got a little push from my son. He called me tonight after you left Debbie’s, though he didn’t know I was already on my way to the airport.”

“And what did he have to say?”

“He told me I was a fucking idiot to let you go in the first place, and I was a complete shit head if I let it happen again.”

“You know he’s really not a bad kid.”

“There are times when I’m afraid he’s going to become an idiot club boy like his dear old dad was, and then he comes up with something like that. Maybe I didn’t completely fuck him up after all.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit Brian. I’m sure you’ve been a great dad.”

“Ever the optimist.”

“Shut up and kiss me.” Justin demanded. Brian readily complied, moving his free hand so that it rested on Justin’s upper thigh. The blond whimpered slightly as the intoxicating effect of the touch was immediate. It was incredible how Brian could still make him feel like he was an oversexed seventeen-year-old. “Let’s go to the bathroom. No one is watching.”

“Mr. Taylor!” Brian admonished mockingly “Surely you’re not suggesting what I think you are. I couldn’t possibly risk destroying the reputation of such a prolific and respected artist like yourself by allowing myself to get carried away by my carnal animalistic desires.” Brian gave Justin’s thigh a light squeeze, which made the younger man twitch.

“Fuck you, or rather fuck me, or whatever. Don’t be mean. I need you right now.” Justin hissed through gritted teeth. 

“I’m afraid that’s entirely too bad.” Brian moved his hand away and grinned evilly. “I know just what I’m going to do to you, and as tempting as it is to make you disgrace yourself here, I think I’ll wait.”

It really was a short flight from Pittsburgh to New York, but for Justin it was agonizingly slow. Try as he might he could not tempt Brian into giving in early, or to touch him at all for that matter. Brian cruelly picked up a magazine and smirked at Justin. The blond tried everything, including nibbling on Brian’s ear which he knew drove the other man crazy. It didn’t work of course, but Justin was pleased to see that at least Brian’s pants were straining a bit too.

It was a good thing that it was late so late that traffic into the city wasn’t bad. They arrived at Justin’s building at last. As soon as the elevator doors had clanged shut Brian grabbed the lapel of Justin’s jacket and pulled him close. Their lips crashed together and all traces of self-restraint disappeared. Justin had already undone the buttons on Brian’s shirt by the time they reached their destination, and his shirt was off completely. They were interrupted briefly by the necessity of removing themselves and their luggage from the elevator and into the apartment. Justin’s hands shook as he tried to force the key into the lock because Brian’s hands were fiddling with his belt. Once inside they shoved the bags and already discarded clothes to the side. Brian pinned Justin to the door as their tongues dueled, breaking away only when the need for oxygen became absolutely necessary. 

Justin moaned in frustration when Brian abandoned his lips, but this was soon replaced with moans of pleasure as Brian’s tongue traced a path down Justin’s chest, stopping for a brief swirl around his nipples before descending further. Justin threw his head back as his senses were overwhelmed by the feeling of Brian’s mouth on his dick. Just as Justin was sure he was about to come, Brian suddenly stood up. Justin was so far gone that it took him a moment to realize what had happened. He was about to complain when he saw Brian kick off the last of his clothes, then step forward so their bare chests were pressed against each other. Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck as the pair began to kiss again. Brian patted Justin’s upper thighs to signal him to jump up, and the blond did, winding his legs around his lover’s waist.

“Which way to the bedroom?” Brian panted between kisses

“That way.” Justin gave a vague wave of his hand.

“Fuck it. It’s too far.” 

Instead Brian carried Justin into the living room and deposited him on the sofa before climbing on top of the younger man. Brian nipped lightly at Justin’s neck as he ground their erections together. He stuck two fingers in Justin’s mouth, which the blond began sucking on instinctively. He pulled back to ask Justin a question, but the man had anticipated it and was already reaching above his head for the small box on the side table, and removed a condom.

“Good boy.” Brian said with a feral smile.

“You trained me well.” 

Justin tried to concentrate on opening the package and putting the condom on Brian as first one, then two fingers entered his hole and began stretching him. After what felt like an eternity, the condom was on and Brian sat up. Justin moved so that he was straddling Brian and slowly lowered himself onto the man’s straining erection.

Brian let out a moan and held tightly to Justin’s hips as the younger man slid up and down on his cock. He buried his face into Justin’s neck, kissing and nipping at the skin before pulling Justin even closer to share a deep kiss. Justin could feel the sweat pouring down his back. His whole body felt like it was on fire. Nothing could compare to the feeling of Brian fucking him. He’d tried to tell himself sex with Aiden had been good, but it wasn’t like this. There had always been something missing, but not with Brian. 

“I love you Justin!” Brian groaned and that was enough to send Justin hurdling over the edge with Brian right behind him. He felt Brian’s arms encircle him, holding him tight before everything went black. 

~~~ Back at the gallery ~~~

The pounding of a hammer as some of his assistants were hanging the paintings drew Justin out of his reverie. He blushed slightly, realizing that he must have spaced off for quite a bit and that he was now semi-hard. No matter how old he got just the thought of Brian making love to him was enough to get him going. But then again it wasn’t too hard to believe since Brian had only improved, if anything, with age.

It was almost hard for Justin to believe that it was a little over two years since the night they had reconciled, but it was even harder to remember that they had spent so much time apart. Of course, living with Brian was still a frustration and a headache sometimes, but Justin had learned that fighting with Brian was infinitely better than not having him around to fight with at all. Besides, if Brian became too mellow it wouldn’t have been as much fun. 

At first they’d had a commuter relationship because between the gallery in New York and the ad agency in Pittsburgh they were both very busy people. For three months they had lived in their respective cities and taken turns visiting the other on weekends, but it was really too stressful. Brian decided to retire and was given an obscenely large retirement package. He still did some consulting work so that he didn’t get too bored, but he had a lot more time for travelling and generally distracting Justin from his work with various irresistible sexual suggestions. They decided that they would spend the warmer months at Justin’s New York apartment and they bought a large beachfront house in Key West for the winter. Justin found someone to do most of the running of the gallery for him while he was away, and in the winter he’d only go up for big openings like the one he was getting ready for. 

The painting he was looking at was of a sleeping Brian after their first night back together to complement the similar one he had drawn when he was seventeen. He’d been working on it off and on ever since their reunion, and it was finally at the point that he wanted. His plan was to have it hanging up with the other paintings as a surprise for Brian and an early birthday present. As he was deciding where he wanted to have it hung, one of the interns, Sarah, came up to him.

“Um . . . Mr. Taylor. You have a phone call.”

“I’ve already said I’m not taking calls.” He replied a little sharply. He didn’t mean to be rude, but there was so much left to do.

“I . . . I know sir, it’s just . . . the man on the phone said it was very important that he speak to, and he told me to tell you that . . . that. . .” she trailed off and Justin looked up to see her blushing furiously. She was fairly new to the gallery, a college student from Montana who was in New York for the first time for the semester.

“It’s ok. I’ll take this one, but after this no more.” Justin said. He patted her on the soldier and the girl looked relieved and scampered off. Justin strode over to the nearest phone and picked it up. “How many times have I told you not to harass the interns?”

“Did she tell you what I told her to?” Brian asked with a laugh.

“Of course not. She’s really innocent. You embarrassed the hell out of her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s hiding in the bathroom.”

“Hey, if your little lackeys can’t deal with the idea of their boss taking it up the ass they should find somewhere else to work.” Brian said blithely.

“I’ll have to remember to put that in the job description. Now what did you say to her?”

“Uh uh. Not telling. You’ll have to wait till I get my hands on you on Friday to find out.”

“Come on, I need to know how much damage control I have to do.”

“Sorry Sunshine, have fun with that. I said it once, and that’s enough. Besides I’m more of a show than tell person.”

“I seem to recall that you’re awfully good at that. So, did you call just to torment my employees?”

“I’m horny.”

“You say that like its some big revelation, like I’m supposed to be surprised or something.”

“I mean it. I’m really horny.”

“And what do you want me to do about that?”

“Well a blow job would be nice.”

“I’m sure, but there’s one little problem. Last time I check no one had invented a phone that allows you to reach through the phone and do that.” There was silence on the other end of the line “Brian?”

“I’m just trying to think if I could figure out a way to create it. It could make me a rich man.”

“As opposed to the staggering poverty in which you currently live.” Justin teased.

“And the first thing I’ll do is use it to give you a good long distance spanking.”

“I’m sure you will.” Replied Justin “Now is there anything else you need, or can I return to work?”

“Well, I suppose I could make do with a little dirty talk.” Brian said with the sigh of a man who had to endure unimaginable sacrifice.

“Always the noble sufferer. I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. First, I’m standing in the middle of the gallery and secondly, I’ve got way too much to do right now. You know, you could have come with me on Sunday instead of waiting until the morning of the show to fly in.”

“What’s the temperature like in New York today?”

“About 40 degrees.”

“Hmm . . . I can’t imagine why I’d want to stay here and lie on the beach when I could be there freezing my ass off.”

“Perhaps to be closer to your dearest love who you’ve called about 10 times a day.” Justin said with a laugh.

“Right, whatever. Besides, how many hours have you been at the gallery each day, and what do you do when you get back to the apartment?”

“I can’t help it if I’m busy and only have time to crash.”

“Exactly, so I’d still be horny and unfulfilled unless I decided to just climb on top of you while you slept.”

“I don’t recall that ever stopping you before.”

“I do the best that I can, but it’s much more fun to have a responsive or at least conscious partner.”

“I’ll tell you what, when you get in on Friday I’ll get away for an hour so we can meet for ‘lunch’. Ok?”

“Well I don’t think it’ll take more than ten minutes, but I applaud your enthusiasm.”

“I’m going now. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Ok. Be fabulous.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too. Later.” Brian said and hung up. 

Justin lingered by the phone for a moment. Two years, and still those words made him tingle. Yes, despite any frustrations it was definitely worth it. Justin briefly considered hunting down Sarah and forcing her to tell him what Brian had said, but decided against it. She had suffered enough for one day. Besides, being surprised would be so much more fun.


End file.
